It Was All A Dream

To free my mind of anger, resentment, scorn, and hate. I always want to stay patient and calm, I will find a way to channel my stress and anxiety into something productive and encouraging. To rid myself of an ego, and actions that only benefit myself.

I truly struggle with my emotions sometimes. My sister is addicted to a drug that I do not understand. I was going to say that “I hate it”, and it wouldn’t be a false thought, but I am trying not to use that word so often. It is, after all, quite strong. I guess what I really don’t understand is the idea of wanting to be so fucked up that you can hardly stand, that you can hardly function, that you don’t have to deal with or remember anything from that day.To want to know how totally fucked up you can get before just passing out. What is the appeal, again? I don’t get it.

I try not to be angry when I think about it, but it is sometimes inescapable. I feel wronged, betrayed. But then, I have to remember that this isn’t about ME, its about HER. Its not about how I feel or how it is making me feel. I have to learn to step over these roadblock emotions to get to the other side; feeling calm and at ease, patient and understanding. I want to understand why she does this, what she is feeling, why she chooses to channel it this way and not another. Most importantly of all, I don’t want to judge her. I want her to know that I will always treat her with respect and understanding, that she can come to me with her real problems because she knows I will listen and not pass judgment.

But how do you approach someone mean, untrustworthy, in denial, and stubborn without becoming frustrated, angry, or resentful?

I sincerely wish I hadn’t witnessed that. Now I have opinions about you and questions about myself. I feel, kind of pointless.
But I must remember to never see myself this way, through your reflection or anyone else’s. I don’t feel strong but I am determined to be.